You want a relationship. You want to feel close to someone.
But when somebody actually gets close, something changes.
Perhaps you start noticing their flaws. You become irritated by things that didn't bother you before. You need more space, stop replying as quickly or suddenly question whether the relationship is right for you.
Sometimes you might end the relationship altogether.
Then, once there is some distance between you, you miss them.
If this feels familiar, you might find yourself wondering:
“Why do I keep pushing people away when they're exactly what I thought I wanted?”
There isn't one simple answer. But sometimes our attachment experiences can help us understand why closeness can feel both comforting and uncomfortable at the same time.
Why would I push someone away if I care about them?
We often think that if we love or care about somebody, being close to them should feel easy.
But relationships also require vulnerability.
Allowing somebody to become important to us means accepting that they could disappoint us, reject us, leave us or see parts of ourselves that we usually keep protected.
For some people, that vulnerability can feel particularly uncomfortable.
You may genuinely want connection while another part of you feels safer maintaining some emotional distance.
This can create a confusing pattern of wanting closeness and then pulling away when you experience it.
Could this be avoidant attachment?
You may have come across terms such as avoidant attachment on social media or while searching for answers about your relationships.
Attachment theory considers how our early relationships and experiences can influence the ways we relate to other people later in life.
If emotional closeness wasn't consistently safe, available or encouraged when you were younger, you may have learnt that relying on yourself was safer than relying on other people.
Perhaps emotions weren't openly discussed in your family.
Maybe independence was highly valued.
You might have learnt not to ask for help or discovered that expressing difficult feelings didn't always lead to the comfort or reassurance you needed.
These experiences don't automatically mean that you will develop a particular attachment style.
But they can influence the expectations you carry into relationships.
What can pushing people away look like?
It isn't always obvious.
Sometimes creating distance can look like:
withdrawing when conversations become emotional
struggling to tell somebody what you need
becoming uncomfortable when somebody depends on you
avoiding difficult conversations
focusing heavily on a partner's flaws
needing significant amounts of space after emotional intimacy
feeling trapped when a relationship becomes more serious
finding it easier to support others than to receive support yourself
convincing yourself that you don't really need anybody
ending relationships when you begin to feel vulnerable
You might recognise some of these behaviours without recognising the feelings underneath them.
“I just need space”
Wanting independence and time alone isn't a problem.
Healthy relationships don't require two people to be emotionally connected every moment of the day.
The interesting question is what happens when you don't have that space.
Do you simply enjoy independence?
Or does closeness begin to create anxiety, irritation or an urge to escape?
Sometimes “I need space” genuinely means exactly that.
At other times, distance can help us feel safer when a relationship begins to touch something vulnerable.
Why do I suddenly lose feelings when someone gets close?
This can be particularly confusing.
At the beginning of a relationship, there may be excitement and connection. But as the relationship becomes more secure or serious, you might suddenly question how you feel.
You may notice yourself searching for reasons the relationship won't work.
This doesn't necessarily mean your feelings aren't genuine, and it doesn't automatically mean attachment is responsible.
Sometimes a relationship simply isn't right.
But if you recognise the same pattern across several relationships, it may be useful to become curious about what happens for you when somebody becomes emotionally important.
Instead of immediately asking:
“Is this the wrong person?”
you might also gently ask:
“What does being this close to somebody bring up for me?”
Pushing people away can be protective
Behaviour that feels frustrating today may once have served an important purpose.
Learning to rely on yourself may have helped you cope.
Keeping emotions private may have protected you from disappointment.
Creating distance may have helped you feel in control when relationships felt unpredictable.
Rather than judging these responses, counselling can help you approach them with curiosity.
What has this way of relating protected you from?
And perhaps more importantly:
Do you still need that protection in the same way today?
Can attachment patterns change?
Attachment isn't a label that determines how you will behave forever.
Developing awareness of your patterns can create opportunities to respond differently.
This might involve learning to recognise when you are withdrawing, becoming more comfortable expressing what you need, understanding what triggers feelings of vulnerability and experiencing relationships where closeness doesn't require you to lose your independence.
Change doesn't mean forcing yourself to become vulnerable before you feel ready.
It can begin simply by noticing what happens inside you when somebody gets close.
How counselling can help
Counselling provides a relationship in which these patterns can be explored rather than judged.
As an attachment-based counsellor, I am interested not only in what is happening in your relationships now, but also in how your previous experiences may have shaped the way you connect with others.
Together, we can explore the patterns you notice, what happens when you feel vulnerable and the ways you have learnt to protect yourself.
The aim isn't to label you as “avoidant”.
It is to help you understand yourself more deeply and consider whether the strategies that once protected you are still helping you build the relationships you want today.
Attachment-based counselling in Plymouth and online
If you find yourself repeatedly wanting connection and then pulling away when somebody gets close, counselling can offer a space to explore what may be happening underneath that pattern.
I offer integrative, attachment-based counselling in Plymouth and online across the UK.
You don't need to know whether you have an attachment style or have everything figured out before getting in touch. Sometimes counselling can simply begin with:
“I don't understand why I keep doing this.”
