Bereavement, Grief & Loss

There Is No Right Way to Grieve

Grief can be one of the most painful and personal experiences we go through.

When someone important to us dies, life can suddenly feel divided into before and after.

You may feel overwhelmed by sadness, anger or disbelief. You might feel numb and wonder why you aren't crying. Perhaps you're managing day-to-day life but find that grief appears unexpectedly—in the car, walking around the supermarket, hearing a particular song or simply noticing something you would normally have shared with them.

There isn't a correct way to grieve.

And there isn't a timetable you should be following.

Your relationship with the person you've lost was unique, which means your experience of losing them will be unique too.

What Can Grief Feel Like?

We often associate grief with sadness, but it can involve many different emotions and experiences.

You might notice:

• Intense sadness or longing

• Feeling numb or disconnected

• Anger or irritability

• Guilt about things said or left unsaid

• Relief followed by guilt for feeling relieved

• Difficulty concentrating

• Changes in sleep or appetite

• Anxiety about losing other people

• Feeling that others have moved on while you haven't

• Avoiding reminders of the person

• Wanting to talk about them constantly

• Feeling lonely, even when surrounded by people

• Questioning your identity or purpose

• Feeling unexpectedly overwhelmed by memories

• Struggling around anniversaries, birthdays or significant occasions

You may experience several of these at once, or move between them.

Some days you may feel you're beginning to cope and then suddenly find yourself overwhelmed again.

That doesn't mean you're going backwards.

Grief rarely follows a straight line.

“Grief doesn't follow a timetable. It moves with the relationship, memories and meaning we carry with us.”

Why Does Grief Sometimes Feel So Unpredictable?

People sometimes expect grief to gradually become easier each day.

The reality is often much less predictable.

You might have a relatively good week followed by a day when the loss suddenly feels as painful as it did at the beginning.

A smell, photograph, place, date or conversation can bring feelings back unexpectedly.

Rather than viewing grief as something we simply "get over", it can be more helpful to think about how we gradually learn to live alongside our loss.

The relationship may have changed, but what that person meant to you hasn't simply disappeared.

Part of grieving can involve discovering how you carry that relationship with you while continuing to live your own life.

Grief and Attachment

My work is informed by an attachment-based approach, which can be particularly helpful when understanding grief.

The people we become attached to can provide safety, belonging, connection and a sense of who we are.

When we lose someone important, we're not necessarily grieving only their physical presence.

We may also be grieving:

The person we called when something happened.

The person who knew our history.

The future we imagined together.

The routines we shared.

The role we had within their life.

Or simply the feeling of knowing they were there.

This can help explain why bereavement can affect our identity, relationships and sense of safety as well as creating feelings of sadness.

Complicated Relationships Can Create Complicated Grief

Not every relationship with someone who dies was straightforward or happy.

You may have loved someone while also feeling hurt, angry or disappointed by them.

Perhaps your relationship was distant.

Maybe there were things you wanted to say that you never had the opportunity to say.

Or perhaps the relationship involved difficult childhood experiences, conflict or periods of estrangement.

When someone dies, we're sometimes grieving not only the relationship we had, but also the relationship we hoped we might one day have.

This can bring sadness, anger, guilt, relief and regret together.

Counselling gives you somewhere to explore all of those feelings without needing to make them more acceptable for anyone else.

You don't have to speak positively about someone simply because they've died.

Your experience of the relationship matters too.

Grief Isn't Only About Death

We can experience grief whenever something meaningful changes or ends.

You might be grieving:

• The end of a relationship or marriage

• Loss of a friendship

• Miscarriage or pregnancy loss

• Fertility difficulties

• Changes to your health or physical ability

• A family member developing a serious illness

• Loss of employment or career

• Retirement

• Children leaving home

• Moving away from somewhere meaningful

• Loss of identity or independence

• A future you expected but didn't get to experience

Sometimes these losses aren't recognised by the people around us.

You may even tell yourself:

"I shouldn't be this upset."

But grief isn't determined by whether other people consider your loss significant.

If something or someone mattered to you, losing it can hurt.

Anticipatory Grief

Sometimes grief begins before someone has died.

If someone you love has a life-limiting illness, dementia or significant changes to their health, you may already find yourself grieving.

You might be grieving changes in your relationship, the future you expected to have together or parts of the person that feel as though they're gradually disappearing.

At the same time, you may be caring for them, supporting other family members or trying to manage everyday responsibilities.

This can bring conflicting emotions.

You might feel sadness, fear, exhaustion, anger and even moments of relief or enjoyment—and then feel guilty for experiencing them.

There is room for all of these feelings.

How Can Grief Counselling Help?

Counselling can't remove your loss, and I wouldn't try to tell you how you should grieve.

Instead, it can provide somewhere you don't have to protect other people from how you're really feeling.

Friends and family can be incredibly supportive, but they are often grieving too.

Sometimes you might hold things back because you don't want to upset them.

Or perhaps people have stopped asking how you are because they assume enough time has passed.

Counselling provides a space that belongs to you.

Depending on what you need, we might explore:

• Your relationship with the person you've lost

• Memories and the meaning of that relationship

• Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt or relief

• Things you wish you'd said or done differently

• Changes to your identity

• Anxiety following bereavement

• Changes within family relationships

• How earlier losses may be affecting your current grief

• Finding ways of remembering and maintaining connection

• Adjusting to life after loss

• What moving forward might mean for you

Sometimes you may want to talk.

Sometimes you may cry.

Sometimes you might laugh while remembering something.

And sometimes you may not know what you want to say at all.

All of that is welcome.

“Grief is not something you need to do correctly. It is something you deserve space to experience.”

Looking After Yourself While Grieving

Grief can affect both our emotional and physical wellbeing.

You may notice changes in your energy, concentration, sleep or ability to manage everyday tasks.

Alongside exploring your grief, we can look at practical ways of supporting yourself during particularly difficult periods.

This might involve thinking about routines, sleep, movement, spending time outside, maintaining connection with supportive people or recognising when you need rest.

We can also explore ways of regulating your nervous system when emotions become overwhelming.

The aim isn't to make the grief disappear.

It's about helping you find ways to care for yourself while you're experiencing it.

What If I Feel Like I Should Be Over It By Now?

This is something many grieving people worry about.

Perhaps months or years have passed and you think:

"Why am I still struggling with this?"

There isn't a date when you're supposed to stop missing someone.

Over time, your relationship with grief may change. It might become less consuming and you may gradually find more space for other parts of your life.

But anniversaries, significant events or changes in your life can bring grief back to the surface.

That doesn't mean you've failed to move on.

Sometimes it simply means the person still matters to you.

“Moving forward doesn't mean leaving someone behind. We can continue living while carrying the meaning of a relationship with us.”

You Don't Have to Grieve in the "Right" Way

There may be days when you want to talk about the person you've lost.

There may be days when you don't.

You may want to look at photographs and remember them.

Or you may need distance from those memories for a while.

There isn't a correct way to do this.

Counselling isn't about teaching you how to grieve.

It's about creating a space where your grief is allowed to be whatever it is.

Bereavement & Grief Counselling in Plymouth and Online

I offer bereavement, grief and loss counselling in Plymouth and online across the UK, using an attachment-based integrative approach.

Whether your loss happened recently or many years ago, you don't need to decide whether enough time has passed or whether your grief is "serious enough" to seek support.

We can begin with a 45-minute initial consultation for £40, either in person or online. This gives us an opportunity to meet, talk about what has brought you to counselling and explore how I might support you.

There is no pressure or obligation to continue afterwards.

You don't have to find a way to forget what you've lost. Together, we can explore how you carry it while continuing to live your life.